Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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