maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You made out with two different species that night
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
