I met the friendliest cop last night
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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