just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
