I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
