i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
