This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
