How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
