fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
