My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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