Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
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My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
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There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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