i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
