So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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