have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
