Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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