I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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