I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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