i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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