My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
