So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
