also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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