She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
