It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
