i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I think a kid would responsible me up
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How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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