11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
