I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Sober January is a disaster.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
