I wish my penis had an off switch
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
