it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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