Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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