angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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