I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
