I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
