just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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