If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
