If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
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I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
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Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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