im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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