You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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