finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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