my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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