I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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