My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
