Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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