i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
