Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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