I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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