That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
