Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just pee around me
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
