i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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