I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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