my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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