Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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