her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
