On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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