He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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