Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
