Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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