she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
